Living With It, :: Recent Entries

Title:	Untitled
Date:	2007-07-05 @ 00:48
Security:	public

As of june 2th, 2007, i am negative for HIV.

the promise i made to myself was that i was allowed to freak out about it until i knew. I had to let in the fear, i had to let in the doubts, i had to face them all and process them THEN, when i didn't know. Why? Because first and foremost, i needed to know i could deal with the worst. Now i know i can.

What does this mean for us physically? No blood to blood contact, no saliva to blood contact, no unprotected sexual contact, and no sexual secretion to blood contact. He can't cum in my mouth, and shouldn't cum on my skin (though that's not too much of a worry unless i have an abrasion). We can't ever have unprotected sex. ESPECIALLY if i am the recipient partner. (unprotected sex with me as the top doesn't pose a large risk, but can pose some risk, so obviously, we aren't going to do that). We've also cut out fast food, And have begun cooking more health conscious meals at home. Were going to start an exercise regimine that will including lots of cardio and some weight training to bolster his natural immune system. These changes aren't usually very easy, but we've gone 2 weeks without fastfood, and frankly we're all the better for it. It's worth making the hanges.

What does this mean for us emotionally? We reiterated our policy of openness to one another. There is very little censorship of feelings between josh and i, and we tend to discuss what's going on down to the minutest inkling of an emotion. We're allowed to call each other on our shit, and we're committed to being there, even if it's just as a shoulder to cry on. We've also signed up to participate in a class called "Positive Living", which informs you further, and helps you prepare to live out the rest of your life holding this virus at bay. our good friend is one of the occaisional teachers, however won't be involved in this class, and says that when he first became positive a few years ago, this class changed his life.

what does this mean for us medically? He had his first appointment for bloodwork last thursday. a shitload of blood was drawn, at least 8 little vials, and They're working up a full chem panel, viral load, CD4+/t-Cell count, etc. The works. They don't pull any punches on this first appointment. We will be meeting with a doctor as of the 20th, and then we'll know exactly what we're up against. This is the appointment that determines what medication, if any, he'll be placed on, we'll know just how much of his body has already been taken by the virus. We'll even know what kind of vitamin supplements he'll need (most HIV patients end up Zinc/MAgnesium/Selenium deficient, because the virus is quicker at grabbing nutrients from the blood than your body is, and that's one of the ways it's able to replicate so quickly, by starving your body of it's own nutrients).

It's go time, And we're ready for it.

with my next post, i'll talk about the outcome of these tests and post some relevant links to explain the more technical jargon that we'll know doubt become quite ingrained with in the coming years.

most of all, he's understanding he's got a long time left, and we've got a long time left together. I think that's the most important breakthrough we've had so far. today was a bit of a rough day, and we've had quite a few of those, but they're getting less frequent and less severe. I'm so proud of him, and i'm so amazed by him. he doesn't think he's being strong, or that he's done anything worthy of my awe, but the fact that he's pulled his shit together to make this work, and to make us work, Amazes me, because i almost imploded multiple times.

it's going to be okay.

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Title:	Untitled
Date:	2007-06-27 @ 17:52
Security:	public

this is day three.

There is a word that has absolutely plagued my every waking though. I've never heard this word before sunday, and now it is the frightening summation of the rest of my life. The word i'm referring to is serodiscordance.

"A serodiscordant realtionship is one where one partner is HIV positive and the other is HIV negative." According to About.Com.

This means that for the rest of our lives together, so long as i remain seronegative, and him seropositive, We can't share a razor, we can't share a toothbrush, I can't ever safely come into contact with his blood or ejaculate, We'll always have a package of rubber gloves somewhere within reach, he'll always have to flush his bloody kleenex when his sinuses are dry, we can never have unprotected sex, and he'll never be able to have biological children short of expensive sperm-washing proceedures (where they separate HIV cells from the sperm, since it exists on a cellular level). There is this long laundry list of simple, small things that have to change. When you look at one or two of these items, okay, it's not so bad. But when your mind fills the wee hours of the night listing more and more things that need to change, it because very very daunting.

I'm not dealing well. I'm dealing better today than the last two days, so is he, but it's still somewhat of an insurmountable task.

As of 3 months ago, Prior to the start of our intense and fastpaced relationship, I have tested negative. Due to the fact that we wait to have anal intercourse based on his promiscuous past and some recent indiscretions, I have an incredibly low statistical likelihood to have contracted HIV through any of the other activities we've done (we have not had anal intercourse, especially not unprotected anal intercourse). But that's hasn't ruled out the excessively long list of occruances that keep running through my mind of other ways i may have been exposed. Just typing this makes me feel so selfish. I'm so scared for myself right now, then on top of that, i'm scared for him. But at least he knows, right? i don't. I never will. Every three months for the rest of my life with be this moment all over again. It's a lot to deal with. I have to let these possibilities and fears in, even for just a moment, because if i don't consider them now, and start dealing with them now, If i do get my results and i am positive, It will be that much worse.

i can't even begin to understand the amount of guilt that could come with my test results being positive. I sat him down today and told him that I'm not mad at him, i'm not hurt by him. Not for the current situation of his status, or my not knowing my status. Not for the possibility of my status. Not for the hard time that is to come over the next few years. I don't blame him, I don't hold him responsible. I may use blame as a coping mechanism much of the time, but this time, there's no point. It's been a possibility. It's been a possibility since i was 16 and first coming to terms with my sexuality. This is the reality you live with as a gay man. HIV can happen to anyone, even the most cautious, even the most fidelitous, even the least laid guy. it can happen in an instant, and that's it.

I do, however, understand something i never thought i would. When brought down by the insurmountable inevitabilities of the rest of our lives together, a tiny thought peeked into my mind, and it hasn't gone away. it would be easier if i was positive.

Now, hear me out before you bitch me out. if i was positive, our sexlife could be what we had wanted, I wouldn't have to avoid his bloody kleenex, I wouldn't have to use latex gloves to put a bandaid on him. He wouldn't have to worry that at any moment, some of his body fluid could be a poison that leads to my death. We wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. yeah, that's why it popped into my head.

I don't even know how i can think of myself contracting HIV as a way out of this mess. I know it's pretty fucked up, but that's the place i'm at.

and i feel pretty alone.

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